GSI Articles:
Courtship
vs
Trial and Error Dating
© Sid Galloway BS, M.Div. Updated 4.4.2000
Just an old sheepdog of the Good Shepherd
Genesis 1:1
Communicating conclusions from 100's of PhD scholars (& children)
Supporting the authority of His Word
& the consistency of His character
Human Rights? Slavery? - Animal Rights? Cruelty?
What about God's right to command compassion for all of His creatures?
Proverbs 18:22
"He who finds a wife, finds a good thing,
and obtains favor from the LORD."Proverbs 19:13
"Houses and riches are the inheritance of fathers,
but a virtuous wife is from the LORD."
............. 
Questions:
How do most Christians in modern America find a marriage partner?
Why do they do it that way?
Have they carefully examined the process and found the evidence worthy of trust?
Or are they just following the rest of the world like sheep?
When you look around our society, do you think it works well?
What does God our Father say about the process in the Bible - His counsel?
How did God's people find a marriage partner back in history?
What are the dangers associated with the modern way of trial and error dating?
What is Covenant Courtship and why is it safer than dating?
How should parents and church elders avoid becoming too rigid and controlling?
When is a person ready for courtship and marriage?
Can you list practical principles for courtship in our day and age?
What do you want for your children, when they seek a spouse?
The subject of courtship vs. dating is very important for everyone and for some it is a highly emotional issue. As with all issues, there are unbiblical extremes on both ends of the human spectrum, yet a beautiful balance is presented by our Father in His Word. Our job as believers is to humbly study to learn and apply His principles.
Discerning Liberalism & Legalism from God's Biblical Balance:
Everyone is tempted to swing to one of the two classic extremes of liberalism or legalism. Our pendulums are rarely resting on God's perfect balance, so we must always reevaluate our beliefs and practices in the light of a careful study of Scripture. I put together a little acrostic to help you apply Scripture in determining which practices you and your family will choose to embrace:
© C-A-B (Commanded? Allowed? Best?)
When examining a particular practice, ask three questions:
1. Is this practice commanded, according to Scripture?
(Examples: Baptism is commanded, home schooling is not.)
- If it's commanded for New Testament Christians, then we must obey it.
- Courtship, defined as seeking a spouse "in the Lord", is commanded
(1 Cor 7).
2. Is this practice allowed, according to Scripture?
(Examples: Movies, youth & singles groups are allowable.)
- Check to see if the Bible prohibits or condemns the practice,
or cautions against it in certain circumstances.
- Courtship is not condemned, but many of the attitudes and practices of dating are.
3. Is this practice best, according to Scripture?
(Examples: Parental training & couple mentoring vs. youth & singles groups)
- Many things are good and edifying, but not God's best to accomplish His goals.
(God's goal is holiness for His glory).
- Courtship is much better than the modern, western dating process.
Whether you're a single adult or a parent with children heading toward adulthood, you need to know the Biblical strategy for finding a mate, God's Way. Modern dating was never the way of God's people until this century. It's one of Lucifer's masterful deceptions (Prov 14:12). The process of intimately trying out many different people cannot protect from the unnecessary hurt of emotional and sexual fornication, fails to provide the Lord's foundation for a home, and actually prepares people to divorce by practicing the very attitudes and actions of rejection and separation. Some folks in a minimal effort to change have merely put the label, "courtship", over the same process of dating, and then proceed to intimately "court" a long series of different people.
I've chosen to call God's Biblical plan, "Covenant-Courtship", in order to highlight our covenant with God the Father and His relationship principles. Remember, don't believe me - check the Word diligently (Acts 17:11). In contrast to the world's way, our Father's plan for "Covenant" courtship emphasizes our submission to His authority, and in turn His promise of protection, provision, preparation, and practice for a marriage that will glorify (reveal) His nature and thus bless others (Mat 7:24-27; Eph 5:31-33). So what is our Father's plan and how can we apply it today?
Protection through Covenant Courtship
After almost 20 years of discipleship ministry with people from hundreds of churches, it's clear that the hurtful consequences of both emotional as well as physical fornication are epidemic among American Christians. We've been so brain-washed by the world that we're tempted to assume it's necessary to toy around with such spiritual and physical intimacy before marriage, in order to find the right mate. But, is it really? What does Scripture actually say?
While the world around us talks about safe-sex, God's churches should be training singles in safe-courtship. Even the very nature of "singles groups" breeds confusion, sin, and hurt. Singles need to hand around and learn from mature married couples, not a pool of peers with equal ignorance. We are to protect not only the bodies, but especially the hearts of our singles. 1 Tim 5:2 says a young man is to interact with "... younger women as sisters, with all purity ....". The Greek term "all" is "pas" and it implies every dimension. "Purity" comes from the root word for holy. So the phrase "all purity" is a clear protective mandate from our Father, which includes the whole person. 
Please think about it. Even when a courting couple abstains from physical immorality, they still often open and intertwine their hearts with one another as if playing married. Then if later they separate and don't marry, one or both of their hearts are broken - deep down - to an unnecessary depth of intimacy. Later, after the breakup when each eventually marries someone else, it won't be possible to truly give a pure, virgin heart into that marriage. But God expects a man and a woman to picture the full marriage purity of His Son, Jesus, who has saved Himself, body and soul, for His bride.
Yes, I understand that a courting couple needs to know enough about one another in order to make the final decision of marriage. But what level of intimacy is Biblically necessary? With the help of godly parents, pastors, and fellow brothers and sisters, it's unnecessary to play around with the deep intimacies of one another's hearts in courtship. Just as a newly married couple is expected by our Father to begin their sexual relationship as inexperienced physical virgins, God is more than sufficient to guide emotional virgins into the heart to heart oneness He designed. We all agree that it's wrong for a single person to spend intimate, spiritual, emotional, time with a married person of the opposite sex. For similar reasons, it's also wrong for a single person to become spiritually, emotionally intimate with another single, who might one day belong to someone else (1 Cor 7). So who should singles have as their intimate friends until marriage? They should build deep spiritual friendships with their parents, their biological siblings, and with Christian friends of the same gender. And the most helpful discipleship relationships would be with successfully married Christians friends in their own church (man to man - 2 Tim 2, and woman to woman - Titus 2).
Remember, Adam and Eve were able to "know" one another so intimately they became one? Yet, they had no previous trial and error experience with each other or previous people. They entered marriage with only God and His Word to guide them. In fact, things went fine until they chose to add the forbidden fruit of the tree of trial and error knowledge to God's sufficient counsel. How about you? Do you really believe that our Heavenly Father is able and willing to fulfill His plan for protecting, providing, and preparing a couple for marriage? God's plan for Covenant Courtship provides all that is necessary for a couple to decide on marriage, including personal knowledge of one another.
Provision through Covenant Courtship
What has God our Father given to us so we can protect courting couples and help them prepare for a marriage that will honor Him? Good news, folks, God has provided for us "abundantly, exceedingly, beyond anything we can ask or think" (Eph 3:14-21).
First of all, God has provided Himself in His Son Jesus (Rom 6:23), by way of His Holy Spirit (Gal 2:20; 4:19; 5:16-25). For truly born again believers, the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus provide all that is needed for the covenant of salvation with God the Father. Then God's Spirit provides the power, love, and wisdom to live as a submissive and obedient child of God in every type of relationship, including courtship (1 Cor 6:11, 17; 2 Cor 5:17). The key is submissive faith under God's authority, trusting God to fulfill His promises (Rom 8:28-29) -- His Way.
Secondly, God has provided His written, objective Word (The Bible) so that we don't have to subjectively feel or use fuzzy philosophy to find our way through the process of courtship (Col 2:8). God commands us to be like Ezra in 7:10 to prepare our hearts and learn His word, live it, and lead others to apply it as well. By diligently and systematically studying His Word on subjects related to courtship (love, authority, submissive faith, marriage, fear, anger, etc.), He will take us by the hand and lead us into abundant life and intimate relationships (Jer 31).
Third, God has provided a rational mind to each of us, which He expects us to use over and above our fickle feelings. The Biblical terms for "heart" (Hebrew = leb; Greek = kardia) used almost 1,000 times in the Bible do not primarily refer to feelings, but to our heart attitudes, which center around our willful motives and our reasoning minds (Heb 4:12).
Fourth, God has provided a biological family in which each person can begin life practicing the Biblical, relationship principles of rank, role, and responsibility. A child can learn how to submit to parental authority "as unto the Lord", as well as to exercise delegated authority over younger siblings (Mat 20:20 ff). Also, our parents who know us well are able to provide advice and direction in the courtship process. This is even true for non-Christian parents to a limited degree.
Fifth, God has provided a local church as a new, spiritual family, with elder brothers and mature sisters to further sharpen our understanding and practice of His relationship principles. Please remember that I am referring to a true ekklesia church, not a "Christian Country Club" (See our article on A True Church). These spiritually intimate family members are especially able to advise and guide in the courtship process. The church family is vitally important for courting people who did not grow up in a biological family that taught and practiced godly relationship patterns. Such a couple needs, in a sense, to be re-socialized to the character of our Father and His family. Then and only then can they really be prepared to build a Christ-honoring marriage and home (Mat 7:1-10).
